My thoughts

October 1st, 2013

Sometimes you feel as if every breath you take, ever action you make is for someone else. Everyone is said to have a choice in what they do, but sometime you feel like that’s not true for you. You feel like something in your life just didn’t turn out right, causing your current stage to be filled with hardship. You do things to please others, when truly, you are never pleased. You do things to hope that others will look at you and say “Hey, look at that girl, she’s in the right path, doing exactly what she’s told to.” Yet your mind is screaming at you to make it stop. What you really want is to be free, to have a life that you dreamed to have for yourself. But dreams only feel like fantasies, something that cannot be reached, and something that feels like just a hair way from your fingertips.

I dream, I dream so hard. I hope, imagine, create, and love this whole world inside my mind that can never come true. One that involved nothing more than happiness. Thinking that one day, when I would be older, I would smile every morning knowing that the day would be great, just like any other. What I didn’t imagine was waking up and wanting to never get up, hoping that my life wasn’t turning into a living nightmare. I’m not at the point of being in a nightmare just yet, but I know that that is where I’m heading. I can feel it every day, I know that this won’t turn out well.

In the eyes of people, my life will look like a beautiful glass house. Green tinted walls with flowers surrounding the foot paths. From my point of view, I will see nothing but that beautiful house shattered into pieces, jabbing me in the heart every time I think about what could have been.

But what is it that makes me feel like that? My choices, my choice to listen to what I’m told instead of doing what my heart asks me to. I am always told that if I do this now, I will have a better life in the future. One where I can work and make a good living, not having to worry about anything. What I think about that is yes, I won’t have to worry about anything financially but every day I will just wish I was doing something different. Because, in all honesty, I would rather go numb instead of dedicating my whole life into something I loath with everything.

I just want to be able to follow my heart…

But that is a hard concept for people to understand, especially those who think about financial states instead of mental states. I’ll make a confession right now, I maybe smiling on the outside, but inside I feel like I am constantly crying. Crying about the future, crying because I know that I don’t want time to pass, I don’t want to be stuck in the nightmare that is to come.

People that are close to me can tell you that I am an eight year old stuck in an eighteen year old body. I love being childish, jumpy, happy, and excited. There are two quote what I absolutely love, “It’s mandatory to grow old, but it’s an option to grow up.” And “What’s the point of growing up if you can’t be childish sometimes.” I love those two quotes because they make me realize that even though I’m constantly told to “grow up” and “stop acting so childish” there are people in the world that understand that losing that inner child can cause you to change completely.

I love to think about the positive in life, always looking for the good side of every situation. I smile, laugh, listen, and hold the people I love most, close to me. I want to be able to teach kids that it’s okay to be younger at heart, even if you are grown up.

That’s taken away from me, there is no chance where I will be able to do that, because I made the wrong choice. I didn’t choose to follow my dreams and hopes, I chose to listen to what others thought would be best.

Is there still time to hope?

Maybe…just maybe.

-Shanzida xxx


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